Everyone is doing their best’s and worst’s for the year in games, I am no exception. I think with everything though it’s best to get the shit out the way first before we crawl into the good stuff and roll around in it have to wade through the shit
Call of Juarez: The cartel
Now I will admit I didn’t play this game but from what I heard it was bad and broken enough to possibly pip the second or third slot. Hell the game just looked like crap from the footage that I saw, with dated graphics, stiff looking gameplay and animation that was all very much on the wonk.
Now as I didn’t play the game I couldn’t really include it in the top three, but at the same time that this steaming turd pile hit shelves for console users the previous game in the series, Bound in blood went on sale on steam for a meager £2.50, the price of a good pint in a weatherspoons pub.
And it was fucking awesome for such a small an asking price! Yeah the graphics where dated but the gameplay was spot on (with a few orginal twists), and the story was gripping until the end. So to know that it’s (at the time) knowing that the £40 sequel was such a huge detached turd monster was not only sad but very disappointing.
Rise of nightmares
Again didn’t buy it so it couldn’t make the list but by god was this shitty! Oh I played this one alright at gamefest and the 10 mins struggling with the controls clumsy combat, and FPS level design from the very early 90’s (more wolfenstien than doom), I had decided that this game, like kinect, can happily rest at the bottom of a sewerage pit.
Now for the actual winners!
4: Duke Nukem Forever
I honestly didn’t want to put this on the list when I know that there is worse, much worse out there than this game. However Duke Nukem Forever has to be the worst game that I’ve put down £65 for, and certainly the worst that I’ve bought on launch day (and got stoked for).
But that all said however DNF’s issue is that it’s an epic fail really was it’s time in development hell. No game after 15 years of development is going to be any good, nor is it going to play well or look good, and DNF sure as hell doesn't and we where all stupid for thinking otherwise. We where also rather over the top when it came to ripping on the game too because of this. It’s still far from a good game but also quite off from the steaming shit pile of shit that the ranting crowds where saying it was.
DNF is dated, old and withered nothing more. Four years back and it would have got a pass for it’s efforts, now it’s standard to sub par and the only thing that prevents it falling into utter obscurity is the title character and the games rep. Had it been any thing else it would have just been forgotten by now.
Sure we all got suckered into buying it on launch day, but after the decade and a half that it was in production we had at least some closure. It’s a better excuse for being suckered into buying crap on launch day than the next game on my list.
3: Dead island.
Fuck this game! Seriously fuck it! Yeah we got suckered into buy the trash that was DNF, but at the same time at least we had closure to what was and still is one of the longest running sad story’s in gaming. After enduring it for so long we just had to see if it had been worth it at the end of the day. Dead Island, people flocked to it like mindless sheep after being suckered like twats by a really nice teaser trailer.
I mean hey check this out!
I didn’t that just scream, tragic, thought provoking and highly emotional, survival horror?
So what did we get, nothing of the sort, instead the innocent family resort is transformed into to hole like Hedonism II, and gone are families and ordinary folks trying to survive against the bloodthirsty hordes, and in come the doe eyed drugged and drunk pricks. You don’t care or I certainly didn’t care if anyone survived this zombie nightmare, and that’s never a good start to any horror story, even worse when that the player characters are just the same.
Oh and couple that with piss poor dated graphics, lifeless dated character models, craptastic animation, gameplay and combat from the devils arse that makes it more of a chore than a pleasure to play, terrible driving sections, and dull fetch quest on dull fetch quest.
Oh and everything on this fucking island was made of Styrofoam as well considering how often and quickly weapons break (two swings nearly always enough). Even worse character weapon sets (those for the specialist choice of your character) never show up until late in the game.
I got fed up with this game quickly, very quickly and the only redeeming thing about it was that I paid jack shit pounds and fuck all pence for it.
Oh boy what do I have to say about this pile of dog shit? Well actually first of all if you boiled it down to pure mechanics then it would have just been CoD ripoff 538, in at least terms of gameplay. In fact it would have just been a clunky dunderheaded CoD with shit AI and rather too stiff gunplay if wasn’t for the premise, the fucking insulting premise.
Look I get invasion USA type stuff, I get that there is some kind of horror that goes with watching the safe suburban landscape of mum’s apple pie USA getting torn up by open warfare. However my brain also says that to accept this situation it must be one of two things, either that this is some kind of alternate reality or history situation where the US of A is way not the military superpower that it was and still is and open to a land based invasion, or a situation so batshit insane that it’s more if anything a darkly comic situation (e.g. Red Alert 2).
If anything tries to suggest that this COULD happen now or in the past then it needs beating round the fucking head with a shovel. So take a stab in which camp Homefront is in? Pass me a paddle please!
But it’s just sick, from the start, the very fucking start atrocities are being constantly shoved in your fucking face. People being rounded up for work in slave labour camps, parents shot in front of their children, executions in the streets, mass burials of the executed, and general genocide on a mass scale. It’s all designed to tug at heart strings, and make you grab a star spangled banner climb to the top of the nearest mountain and scream “WOLVERINES” at the top of your voice.
Oh and when it isn’t trying to get overly patriotic, then it’s taking predicable or strange turns. It goes without saying that the happy little resistance hideout that you see early on gets found out and burnt to a crisp (and if it came to a shock to you please impale your face on a wooden spike), or trying to make you feel sorry for the North Korean soldiers when they get savagely toyed with executed by some survivalists for kicks. Yeah I was really going to feel sorry for them, try fucking indifference it’s more on the mark.
Oh and that pointed out the last reason to hate this well pile of hate, North Korea, seriously? North fucking Korea? OK a silly situation I could get, or some alternate reality where they won the war that started in the 1950’s (it’s still techincally ongoing) then stomped over asia and the USSR. However this takes place in the current day in some future “it could happen here” bullcrap and plays to the current political situation.
Hey newsflash John Milius! The south Koreans know the north is a shit hole and they in no way could be convinced by the North to let go of that democracy thing that works for the communism of the North that just doesn't work. Then there is the North Korean army, air force, and navy that are mostly all composed of outdated and aging soviet era gear, suffers supply issues (mostly petroleum, tank battalions only train once a year due to a lack of gas), and even it’s soldiers are mostly stunted due to the famines that have occurred in the country. Why do you think they want even simple nukes so badly? Oh and then there is the issue of well famine, sickness and starvation. North Korea can hardly feed it’s own people let alone conquer the world, and even if they did the empires lifespan could be mesured in seconds.
Homefront is just flat out retarded and insulting, and even decided to end on a bullshit undecided open note in the hope for a sequel, but only served to piss me off more than it already had.
Mindjack, oh Mindjack where do I even start with such a mess like this? In fact maybe I should start by saying that all the above games all had ONE and maybe just one good thing going for them. DNF had at least John St John back as Duke, and apparently the DLC campaign is isn’t that bad, Dead Island had at least an original setting, and homefront at least if I switched my brain off was at least passible as a braindead shooter. Mindjack has nothing, utterly NOTHING in the way of redemption.
It’s gameplay sucks, it’s graphics and animation suck, it’s enemies suck, it’s multiplayer and multiplayer gimmick suck shit on toast, it’s bosses are broken, it’s weapons don’t work, it’s story is a utter mess, the characters have NO character, it’s OST is nothing is on par with a guy pressing a single key on a old casio keyboard, the AI is so thick that I am surprised they didn’t just let the game characters shoot themselves in the feet, and best of all it can’t even get the options screen right! How the fuck do you make a mess of the options screen!
You know I’ve played a lot of crap over the years, but so rare that I see such shit now pass out at all on retail. The last time must have been the nearly as abysmal vampire rain (and I only suffered the demo thank god), and even that had some OK or just passible stealth to it. This is just utter incompetence, how square green lit this dung pile as a major full priced retail game will forever boggle my mind.
Oh and at £5 I was over charged for it too by at least £45 go figure that out.
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